Desires
by eternallydepressed
Summary: Just how hard is it to control our desires? How long can we hide it before someone finds out? Before we start hurting too much? 3-part. Ashley’s POV. AU.
1. Chapter 1

**Summary:** Just how hard is it to control our desires? How long can we hide it before someone finds out? Before we start hurting too much? 3-part. Ashley's POV. AU.

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**Desires: A South of Nowhere Fanfiction - **Part 1 of 3**  
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We let unspoken desires eat us up, we pretend we are happy, but we know we are not. Why do people do this to themselves? Why do people subject themselves to this kind of pain, to serve only the purpose of torturing themselves? I never understood it.

Spencer and I had been friends for as long as I can remember. It was not hard, to be friends with Spencer. She was easy to talk to, never judged me, and was the kindest person I knew.

Somewhere along the lines of her helping me with my homework, staying with me through nights of when I fought with my best friend, encouraging me to try new things when I was adamant on staying the way I was and getting me through nights of when I got wasted, I unknowingly saw her as more than just a friend, more than a confidante. I didn't know how it started really, how I started liking her more than just a friend, how I'll indulge myself in every moment that I can spend with her, her soft touches (which I knew, to her, were purely out of the friendship we shared), her gentle voice, her concerned look every time I was upset. I didn't want to make it obvious, so we stayed as good friends, nothing more, and nothing less. I didn't think there was a point trying to make us more, because I knew Spencer, and I knew she would never think of me as anything more than a friend. So I remained satisfied just being her friend, a friend she could rely on to listen to her, a friend she could rely on to encourage her whenever she needs.

* * *

I had friends, many whom I go out with, many whom I have ditched school with, and a lot more I've been drunk with. But Spencer wasn't one of them, she never was, and probably never will be. Every time I fought with my best friend, Cheryl, she'd be the first person I look for advice. She was always good with comforting people, and always had been a good listener. I didn't really know why Spencer stood by me all these while, when all I gave her was shit, when I could scarcely stay committed to the friendship we had. I knew it hurt her, to see me drunk, to see me upset, to see me angry, but I ignored it. I wanted to ignore it so I could push away all those feelings I felt towards her.

* * *

Spencer and I were sitting at the bleachers, after her cheerleading practice. Cheryl and I got into a fight again, over her boyfriend, so I decided to go look for Spencer.

"So, what are you up to nowadays? I haven't spoken to you in ages." She looked at me, trying to decipher the look I was giving her.

I remained sullen. I wasn't really in the mood to talk, which was probably why I came looking for her in the first place, she always knew when I wasn't in the mood to talk.

Her look softened as she figured that I didn't wanna talk. Instead, she gave me a light kiss on the cheek. "Hey, everything will be alright, you always work things out with Cheryl, I'm sure it will be fine."

It still amazes me how well Spencer can read me. And how unabashedly affectionate she was.

I wanted to tell her I wasn't vexed over Cheryl. I wanted to tell her that I was confused, confused about my feelings for her, tell her that all I want to do now is to kiss her, and so much more. But I simply sighed, then muttered a "Thanks."

"Well, I could do my routine for you! If that makes you feel any better?" She smiled as she said this. I knew she was joking, she knew how much I hated cheerleading, especially their routines. I routinely made fun of them in front of her.

I smiled. "Yes of course, there's nothing I love more than a cheerleading routine!" She laughed as I said this, and lightly slapped my right shoulder, as if offended.

"Well, I'm glad you can still be sarcastic!" She rolled her eyes, and then laughed again.

Somehow, just hearing her laugh made me feel so much better. "Yeah, missed it, didn't you?"

"Yes yes, I missed it alright? Where have you been these few weeks? I barely saw you around." She asked, looking slightly concerned.

"Oh you know, just here and there. Been busy with my English coursework and such." I lied to her. Truth was, I was kinda avoiding Spencer. Every time I was around her, these feelings erupt from within me, and I didn't want to deal with it, I didn't want to deal with Spencer's soft voice, her light kisses, anything that could make me feel even more strongly for her.

"Oh." She paused. "I missed talking to you. You can come over and look for me more often! Training's been quite tiring lately." She gave me an expectant look, asking me to say yes to her with her eyes.

I couldn't bear to disappoint her, so I just told her I'd try to. And then we just sat there and continued talking, though the talking was mostly done by Spencer. It was a nice, peaceful escape from the weeks of work, fighting, and sleepless nights. I had almost forgotten how much peace just talking to Spencer brought me.

* * *

Spencer had a boyfriend, Bryan. He was charming, sensitive and extremely smart. I was quite impressed by him the first time Spencer introduced him. He didn't attend King High, and had met Spencer through a mutual friend. Although most cheerleaders I knew tend to date jocks, Spencer wasn't one of them. Bryan was a violinist and performed in his school's chamber ensemble, and also ran in the athletics team. Spencer was really happy with him, and she liked talking about her dates with him.

At first, I pretended to be really happy for her, and partly, I really was. She was happy, and she deserved it. I've never seen her any happier than when she was with Bryan. But their relationship got serious, and the more she talked about him, the more uncomfortable I felt. That was when I started to talk to her less, in hope that the jealously in me would go away. I hated that feeling. I guess she felt the vibes that I was sending her, so she mentioned less of him whenever we talked. It made things awkward sometimes, when I knew all she wanted to talk about the recent date they have been on, or how sweet his text messages were, or whatever. But I guess I chose to ignore it, ignore this guilt that I felt for not being a bigger person and be happy for Spencer.

* * *

"Ash, do you hate Bryan?" Spencer suddenly asked. I looked up from the book I was reading from, giving Spencer a rather surprised look.

"What?" I started, "What made you think that? Of course I don't." I told her in my most earnest voice. It was the truth, I didn't hate Bryan, and I had no reason to.

She didn't look convinced. "Then why is it that every time I mention him, you either ignore it, pretend that I'm talking about something else, or try to get past the topic as fast as possible?"

I didn't really know how to answer her, so I did what I did best. Deny.

"I don't."

She looked rather upset. "Don't lie to me Ash, I can tell."

I became rather defensive. I didn't want to talk about Bryan, or anyone Spencer was dating, for that matter. "So? What do you want me to say?"

Spencer seemed rather surprised at my response. "Why do you not like him? I thought you said he was a good match for me?"

"He is."

"So, what is the problem?"

"Nothing is." I replied nonchalantly.

She was getting slightly annoyed, I could tell. "Stop lying." Her voice was strong. "I don't like knowing that you're not happy that I'm with him. I don't want this to cause a wedge in our friendship, Ash. I just wanna know what's wrong."

I was getting annoyed at her persistent questions. "I told you, nothing is wrong. I'm going to leave if you continue asking me."

She ignored my threat. "If nothing is wrong, you wouldn't be annoyed. There's something that you're obviously unhappy about. I don't understand why you can't just tell me."

I stood up. "Sometimes, I just can't. Alright?" I whispered it out, exasperated.

And then I left the table.

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**A/N: **I had intentions to end it like this, but it'd be a terrible ending. But please let me know how you feel about this! Reviews are greatly appreciated! I will try to update as soon as possible. And yes, once again, this was written on a whim, so I do apologise for any shortcomings in the writing. I'm sure there are plenty. Thanks muchly! :)


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary:** Just how hard is it to control our desires? How long can we hide it before someone finds out? Before we start hurting too much? 3-part. Ashley's POV. AU.

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**Desires: A South of Nowhere Fanfiction - **Part 2 of 3

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Spencer and I didn't talk for about a whole week. I was afraid she'll come to confront me about what I had said, and I was afraid I may just tell her the truth. But when we finally did talk again, we both pretended that our last conversation/argument didn't happen, something which I was incredibly glad for. But Spencer was acting incredibly weird, almost like she had too many questions in her but was afraid of asking. I guessed it had something to do with the last time we talked. But as per usual, we pretended. We pretended everything was fine, and nothing else mattered.

* * *

I was somehow convinced by Spencer to attend one of the parties that the cheerleaders held to celebrate the basketballers retaining their state championships. I wasn't a huge fan of parties actually; I'd much rather go to a bar or club and get myself drunk, either alone or with friends. But there was alcohol, so I wasn't complaining.

Even though Spencer was a cheerleader, I could tell she didn't particularly enjoy such parties too, and that the only reasons she came was because she had to, and that I had agreed to come with her. Bryan was busy, or unavailable, for whatever reason.

I was quite enjoying myself, getting drunk on vodka, and an assortment of other kinds of alcoholic beverages. Spencer was just talking to a few random people whom I didn't know. Mostly to the cheerleaders. I could tell she wasn't really in the mood to celebrate anything, she was actually drinking. And Spencer only drank when she was upset.

I saw her settle herself at the backyard, just leaning next to a tree, staring into space. I wasn't really used to seeing her upset, so I walked up to her and sat down next to her.

"Hey don't get yourself too drunk, else I'm not going to be responsible for bringing you home! Your mum hates me enough already, Spence." I said jokingly, while trying to remove the beer in Spencer's hands. She didn't really resist, so I was able to take it away.

She sighed. "Yeah. Heh."

I frowned. "God, you look like you just lost your whole collection of Kelly Clarkson CDs! What's wrong?" I didn't know what else to say. And I know she treated her Kelly Clarkson CDs with more care than I can say for her bible, so I thought it was quite apt. Especially after that time when she thought she lost it, she zombie-walked around everywhere for a week until she realized she loaned it to someone. Plus, I wasn't good with this kind of comforting-other-people thing.

She bowed her head. Looking even more upset. "I dunno."

It wasn't hard to guess, really. Spencer was not hard to read. "Bryan?"

"Yeah."

"Oh." I didn't like seeing her upset, but I didn't know what I could do to make her feel better. So I just moved closer and turned my body to face her properly. "What happened?"

"We were discussing our choices for universities, and he wanted to go to UCLA, but I didn't really want to stay here, so I told him I was thinking of either Brown or NYU. I guess he was a bit upset that I wasn't even considering colleges here."

"Oh."

She saw the look I gave her, she knew I didn't really know what to say because I certainly haven't given a thought about my future. "I guess he felt insecure, and said that I wasn't committed to our relationship." She paused for a moment. "Naturally, I got a bit upset and told him that we'd only been dating for less than a year, so it was kinda early to decide on our futures already."

She paused and sighed before continuing, "He got angry and walked out on me, saying that if I was unable to commit to anything, then we should probably break up."

"Wow, what a jerk. He needs to deal with his insecurities man." I simply said, slightly annoyed that Bryan was emotionally blackmailing Spencer.

She smiled and looked up. "You think?"

I gave her an incredulous look, "Yeah, of course! You're too good for him, you deserve better than someone who is so insecure and needy."

"Haha, thanks, Ash." She forced a smile out.

I knew what that reply meant. "You aren't gonna dump him right?" I knew that she wasn't going to, but I couldn't help but feel my heart constrict a little.

She sighed, "I don't think so. We just need to figure things out, I think. You know, take a break from each other."

"I'd dump him, but I guess that's just me." I shrugged.

"Oh please Ash, you can't even stay committed to a car for more than 6 months, let alone a person." She laughed. And I just gave her an indignant look, even though I knew it was true.

"Well, they are all not good enough for me! How could I settle for anything less?" I exclaimed.

Spencer looked amused and then shook her head. "One day, you'll find that someone who's too good for you." She had a twinkle in her eye as she said this.

I snorted, "Yeah? I doubt so."

Spencer didn't look convinced. "Perhaps."

* * *

Cheryl and I were having an argument again. Recently, I'd been finding myself increasingly irritated by everything around me. Either that or the fact that I knew things between Bryan and Spencer were good again, made me slightly annoyed. Slightly.

"God, why are being such a bitch recently? I already told you I wasn't free today, a few weeks before! I'm not cancelling out on Andrew just because wanna get yourself shit-drunk so you can ignore the rest of your issues." She was standing in front of me, ready to leave the room, clearly very pissed off.

I felt slightly guilty, but only barely, before I reverted to my usual self. "Yeah, so I'm being a bitch yeah? Then don't come to me when you have problems with Andrew or whatever crap that you come to me with. I don't even know what you see in him, he's a complete ass, and yet you insist on hanging on to him. Too insecure to be alone?" I defended myself hotly.

Cheryl turned around and looked at me for a moment, suddenly at a loss for words. Her eyes flashed hurt momentarily before turning into anger. "Well, at least I'm not secretly in love with a friend who already has a boyfriend. Who's the insecure one here, Ashley? You don't even have the guts to do anything about it, so don't you dare say anything about Andrew and me."

I was silent, there was nothing I could do but clench my fists as she continued.

Cheryl looked smug. "Nothing to say? And no, don't even try to deny it. I see the way you look at Spencer, the way you act when her boyfriend is around, the way you talk to her, the way you talk about her. I've known you since Pre-K, and you aren't even half as nice to me as you are to her. It's so obvious, Ash. God, how could someone like Spencer be so clueless?"

My face hardened. It really hurt, somehow, for some reason, to hear all those words coming from Cheryl. Perhaps it was the sudden realization that I knew nothing would come out of this desire and need for Spencer in ways I could only imagine. It was like a slap in the face, the reality check that Cheryl gave me.

"Do you really think it's so easy? That I can just go up to Spencer and tell her how I feel about her? That I have to pretend every single day that I actually only see her as a friend? Pretend I'm happy for her and Bryan?" I raised my voice, hearing it crack while I tried to keep my tears at bay.

I let out an exasperated sigh. "God, if only you knew. It's so goddamn tiring, and you don't even know the half of it. You can proudly flaunt Andrew, but I can't do that. I can't just tell the whole world I'm gay without consequences. The world is full of hate, and I know it will catch up to me someday. So don't pretend that you understand, or you know anything, because you will never understand it." I said bitterly. And then I left, once again, losing the fight in me.

Sometimes, I wished I'd never met Spencer.

Sometimes, I wished my heart could be a little stronger.

Sometimes, I wished I could be less of a coward.

Sometimes.

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Spencer and I were at my house. She was getting ready for her date with Bryan and was borrowing clothes from me to wear. They were going to this weird new club downtown which Bryan's dad's friend owned.

I was just sitting on my bed, strumming random chords on my guitar while watching Spencer rummage through my closet to find the "perfect" outfit.

She'd been acting weird around me lately. I don't know exactly how, but just different. But I brushed it off as me being paranoid.

She picked out a few outfits and then just laid it at the chair, stating that she still had plenty of time and will decide later. I smirked. I knew Spencer was a huge procrastinator. It's about the only flaw she has. I found it rather endearing, although I have no idea why.

She lay down on my bed, looking directly at me. "You have to teach me how to play that someday!" She gave me a huge silly grin.

As per usual, every time I knew she was going on a date with Bryan, my tone turns bitter. It was something I couldn't control; no matter how good a mood I was in. "You can ask Bryan." I said indifferently, not looking at her directly. I could see, however, that her grin disappeared almost immediately.

She sighed. Then sat up.

Her back was now facing me. "I overheard your argument with Cheryl that day." She stated, quite matter-of-factly. My heart went cold at that moment.

I knew where Spencer was going with this. I wanna run away right now, like how I have done so many times. I didn't say anything. Honestly, what could I say?

She turned around to look at me. I diverted my eyes away from hers. "It… it wasn't intentional. I just happened to walk past there. The lockers aren't really a private place, you know." I internally cursed myself for my lack of self control. What was I thinking, arguing about THAT at the lockers?

I still refused to look at her. "Ash, please. Look at me." Her voice was soft. So soft it broke my heart. I looked up facing her, but my eyes still refused to meet hers.

"Is it true?" Her voice was imploring for more, I know.

My silence gave her her answer.

"Honestly Ash, I don't know what to do. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I don't even know what to say. I just wished…" She paused.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. "You don't have to do anything, Spence. It doesn't change anything, does it? I mean, how does it change anything if nothing happens? Nothing is going to happen."

"Ash…" Her eyes were sad.

"What are you going to say Spencer? That you don't feel the same way about me? I know that Spencer. I know that. I've known that for a long time. Please. I beg you Spencer, don't do anything about it. Just pretend alright? Just pretend you never heard that argument, pretend it's a joke. It's easier that way." My voice was pleading. My heart was fleeing.

She looked upset. "I'm not going to pretend, Ash. How does that make things easier? For you? Is that how you do everything? So you can continue to pretend to be happy for me when you aren't?"

I felt my heart tighten. I wanted to get out of this mess. This chaos. "God. Spencer. So what? So what if I'm in love with you? So what if all I want is to be with you? So what if my heart breaks everytime I see you with Bryan? You're not in love with me. You'll never be. And that's it. That's all there is to it."

Spencer just sat there. Looking at me for the longest time. Thinking. "What if I am?"

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**A/N:** One more chapter and this story will be done. I know I said this is a 2-part but there was just too much to write. I know more mediocre writing is exactly what this place doesn't need, but I just like knowing people read my stuff. However little the number may be. Thanks for all those who have read my stories. I do appreciate it, everyone who takes the time to do so. Especially so for my reviewers.


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